Cousin A’s officespeak

We were planning to have a small house party at mine, where all we cousins were going to catch up after pretty long. I was very excited to have all the girls over to mine and was talking to my cousin A over the phone regarding the same.

Cousin A is not to be mistaken for some namby-pamby, feeble and submissive kinda girl. She might be one whole year younger to me, but she can be very persuasive. And damn, she is bossy. And authoritative. She is a HR manager with a leading MNC and quite a tough task master I am told. And she has a thing for speaking umm… well something like this.

I: So Friday it is then, 7.00 p.m.
I said concluding the call.

Cousin A: Ya, to quickly summarize our brief discussion, let’s just get all the stakeholders of this party on a concall now and assign everyone their KRAs. Let us assure that there is no ambiguity in our communication whatsoever to avoid any last minute glitches.

a)      Cousin C will get plates

b)      Cousin P will get some cool music

c)       You will arrange food

d)      I will get the camera

Okay??

Then, I will make a spread sheet with all the details, who is getting what, who is doing what and finally a different sheet for what games we are going to play and so on. I will mark this mail to all you girls by EOD, sounds good? We have to ensure that this party goes exactly as we planned and that it meets everyone’s benchmark of a good party. You there? And just to get a headcount, we will just ask them to RSVP us their attendance.

I think I lost my power of speech or may be passed out. Can’t be sure what it was. Who the hell talks like that?

Cousin A does. She speaks with everyone like she would speak to a colleague. She bullet points everything she speaks. Seriously? She loves using jargons and business lingo even for outside office communication. If not stopped, she has overpowering tendencies to make PowerPoint presentations for the smallest of the things. Oh, she loves presentations. If she had her way, she would make a PowerPoint presentation for our little house party titled, “Party 2012” and even offer to present at the opening of the party. Moreover, she wants to send/receive all communications on mail. Phone conversations/texts just won’t do. And oh boy, don’t mention excel in front of her. She has excel sheets for all sorts of things you can imagine, trending chart of telephone bills, data chart of electricity expenses, excel sheet for house-helps with details of their sick leaves and dues, Investment sheets, sheet for weekly menu, sheet of public holidays, sheet for recurring expenses, to-do list…..phew.

And Buzzwords…aaah she loves them. I think using them gives her a high and makes her feel all powerful. And if you don’t understand her buzzword, even better. Her inner goddess will jump in joy at knowing something fancy. But on the outside, she will look composed and explain you its meaning and its usage in a context. Office English teacher anyone?

You think there could be something wrong with her? If I point this to her, she will come back with a detailed analysis and data to present that this is a perfectly normal and acceptable way of communication.

Whatever the reason might be, Cousin A is not alone. I am seeing an increasing no. of people doing this and taking their office roles  too seriously. They are just not able to switch off and go offline.

I really find the way she talks very funny. Do you? In my next post, we will talk about office jargons that we all use, those intimidating big words and their simplified meanings. Some real fun that will be. See you soon!

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20 thoughts on “Cousin A’s officespeak

  1. It was really funny! I hope hilarious would be more appropriate! 🙂
    As always, nicely written.
    Congrats on your first book. Is it available only on Kindle or it’s paperback is also available. Looking forward to read your book.

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