Hello, my dear readers. I am sorry that I have been away for a while. I won’t say I have been busy. It’s just that I want to write only when I am in the right frame of mind, and writing about certain topics really calls for a lot of grit.
Yesterday, when I was walking back home from office I passed a 20-something guy who was bellowing into his phone. He was apparently fighting with his girlfriend and seemed to be on a repeat-mode. He kept on saying the same thing – how can you do that (I don’t know what that means here) without informing me? He looked so furious that he didn’t realise that he was on the road, that people were passing by and that he was making a spectacle of himself and entertaining people for free. What triggers such reactions in people? Why people want to control people they love? Why some people want to sabotage their spouse’s freedom and individuality in the name of love? Does love give you power to vent your anger on your very object of love?
In that instant, the opening quote of the book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ came to my mind. Says Aristotle, “Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – this is not easy. And how true.
Anger is a very powerful emotion and it is one primary reason why people destroy beautiful relationships, friendships and lose good people in their life. Unchecked and misplaced anger can lead to a bitter war of words, fight-fight situation, abuse and even fatal physical assaults in some extreme cases.
Some people show anger to show that they are assertive, which in fact has a reversing effect. In fact, extreme anger is the hallmark of the weak. If you are right then you won’t need to be angry and overtly aggressive to make your point. Some people who are authoritative often find their anger spiralling out of their control when things don’t happen according to them, when they can’t tolerate other people’s view points and when they can’t seem to shake off their ‘I-am-right’ feeling.
Everyone gets angry at some times and with some situations and some people, but some people just can’t seem to hold their tongues and in that one moment of anger, they are unable to think rationally and calmly and often end up saying hurtful things that can’t ever be taken back. They may not necessarily mean them, but the way they speak – with gritted teeth and red eyes is enough to hurt their antagonist deeply. In that state of anger, their mind loses its ability to comprehend events and think reasonably and hence their outburst is often exaggerated and much harsher than what the situation warrants.
Why I am writing about this? Because I have seen how anger can spoil beautiful relations. Loving someone deeply or caring about someone deeply does not license us to be mad at them all the time. If something is bothering us, or if we are upset about something or someone’s behaviour, we should not give an angry knee-jerk reaction. While this may not always be possible, it is very much doable. In such situations, we must take a moment and get our breathing under control. We must clear our head and try to reason out if our anger is justified or is misplaced. Perhaps we could pause, collect our thoughts and speak steadily in a calmer manner. Because words once spoken can’t be taken back. And we must not do anything stupid in a momentary fit of anger and bring upon permanent damage to beautiful relationships. Your loved ones will understand that you get angry because you love them, but if you make it a habit of showing your anger through harsh words very often and at even the smallest instance, they will one day grow tired of it. They would stop caring. And then, it’s very easy to get into a i-fight-because-you-fight-harder situation. So to salvage the situation, the best bet would be to calm down, it takes about 20 minutes to return to the state of normalcy from extreme anger, and speak again when you are composed and in a frame of mind to hear their side of the story as well.
When provoked by a situation or people, it is human to get angry. Buy to let anger possess you and get the better of you, is definitely blameworthy. Let your wrath not hurt people’s tender feelings, the very people who love you, who care for you, who work with you. When you see someone is behaving irrational with you and is losing his control on his tongue, take a cue and back out for that moment. Come back and talk to them when they are sober. Let men not think that they can get angry with their women simply because they are men and that gives them that right. That’s a seriously absurd logic. Respect is earned; you can’t demand your women to respect you. And likewise for women. When we are bound in life-long relations, let’s at least try to be co-habitable and pleasant company to be with. And what health repercussions anger has, you don’t need anyone to tell you that, right?
“The man is not a good wrestler; the strong man is in fact the person who controls himself at the time of anger.”